The Sparrow Still Falls: January 2011

I took the day off today to remember Mom and our twins. This is the day, January 28 (1998), that Mom left this world of pain and entered into eternal peace and happiness with her Saviour...or as she always called it "Glory"! I started this practice on the first anniversary of her death as I traveled to Alabama to visit the cemetery where she is buried. As we've moved around the country, I often don't get back to Alabama, but I find somewhere close by to retreat. I continued to do it each year because it was always so healing for me. I was quite angry with God and the unfairness of life, so I had a lot to get out. It became a great gauge for me to see where I've been and track my personal, emotional and spiritual growth. "Bitterness comes when we use grief or anger as an excuse not to grow". I believe it's important to to be alone with God, to process, to remember and read about (if you journal) His faithfulness through the years. This is how we grow!

So this is my 13th year to take a personal retreat. I usually don't have trouble relaxing and settling into a rhythm but today I was unusually scattered and unfocused. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I couldn't come up with scripture to quote. And I couldn't even enjoy the Pacific Ocean that lay out in front of me . . . and I LOVE the water and beach. So I just began to pray . . . praying that the Lord would calm my restlessness so that I could concentrate on the "task" at hand. Nothing. So I decided to put down my books, journals, pens, and highlighters and just walk the beach. I noticed that as I walked I kept my eyes on the ground in front of me . . . never looking up. To be fair, I was looking at all the really cool rocks and seashells. I began this internal dialogue about how silly it is to have such an amazing panoramic view in front of me of the Pacific Ocean and I'm not even looking at it. So I looked up. I stared at the vast expanse of the ocean in front of me. And this song came into my head. Click the link to listen as you read the words below:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Music has always moved me. And this song in my head overwhelmed me. His love overwhelmed me. I no longer felt restless or unfocused. I just needed to look up at the view in front of me and the love of my great big God!

**If you don't know this "modern" hymn, you should check it out. There are many versions, but I prefer Selah's rendition. You can download the Selah version on iTunes.**